Mea Culpa, Mea Culpa

woke up today, and something doesn't feel right, doesn't taste right
i am reminded of hurts that run deep-too deep
questions that have come out to play, once again
they run circles in my mind and agitate me to the core

images and memories that can not be erased
they taunt and tease
how did my desires turn dark and twisted?
why did i do it, & what does that mean?
fear contorts my mind- my soul laments

mea culpa, mea culpa

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Related to my own personal questions are questions asked by Henry BÖll in his book, A Soldier's Legacy. He speaks of war and the conditions in which men find that the line between white and black becomes a murky shade of gray. A world in which perpetrators become victims, and victims become perpetrators. He tells the story of a decorated german officer who after the World War II was studying to be a lawyer. On the outside he looked like a normal attractive & joyous person. In BÖll's Fictional story (but portraying the war in germany as it was) this man had murdered his neighbor's brother in the war (also a german officer). He talks about how it appears “too improbable in the context of this incipiently bull-necked fledgling Doctor of laws” that he is infact the murderer of Schelling.He speaks of postwar germany and how

"with twenty pails of whitewash one of those terrible railway halls has been restored to a forum for cheerful idiots: six brushes and a few raptly whistling painters on the scafolding, and life goes on.”

"Look at my servant, whom I strengthen. He is my chosen one, who pleases me. I have put my Spirit upon him. He will bring justice to the nations. He will not shout or raise his oice in public. He will not crush the weakest reed or put out a flickering candle. he will bring justice to all who have been wronged. he will not falter or lose heart until justice prevails throughout the earth." Isaiah 42: 1-4

Return to me, and I will Return to you

"I built my house upon the rock, my foundation was unwavering. Always thinking in terms of black and white. Never acting out of character. Ready to lend the best advice. Yet, now I act in defiance of my own proclaimed wisdom. Not to say that my beliefs have changed, my morals remain intact. It’s my conciencse that naws away at me, yearning to act and think and feel independently. Rushing to shut every last door, barring out my creator. I shudder to admit, to even allow the realization, that I feel no sadness at the loss, at the cost of my rebellion...

… I keep telling myself I should feel some sort of remorse. I should feel the weight of my iniquities. I feel nothing. Although this state of being should not surpise, I saw it coming from afar. Perhaps I could have stopped it, fought against it. No—to ignore that which you feel is to cease to be real. This can not be rationalized, it simply IS. I can not hide, I can not run. I am exposed. These are my thoughts, these are my feelings. I take full credit, I do NOT apoligize." -Nov. 4th 2008

Despite, the way I rebelled against God, he never stopped pursuing me. He loved me when I did not love him.

Today is a special day because today I chose God. I battaled with myself and with GOd for so long. I sought complete independence apart from God or man. I explored everything life had to offer. I made knowledge my God. I became one of the most prideful people... but at times I was also one of the lonliest. In the end the love of God won me over. I will never be the same. God has awakened me to a whole new world. His beauty is surreal. God sees me wholly- and yet he loves me. And no one's love can compare to his love, not my parents, not anyone. Because God knows every thought i have ever had, my secrets, my selfish ambitions, the weight of my sin: yet instead of turning away, he took on suffering to die for me. There is no greater love. Life is not meaningless, it is flowing with meaning, if you look in the right place. For man is not an end in himself. we will never find meaning by looking inward but will only find meaning in the Almigty God. We were created for fellowship with him. We were created for so much. How sad it is that we spend so much of our lives saturating ourself with things that will never fill.

Despite our foolishness and our insistance to seek everything BUT God-- HE has not give up on us.

"I will be faithful to you and make you mine, and you will finally know me as the Lord" -Hosea 3:19-20

So, today is beautiful. I am free and I want the world to know it. Surrounded by my friends and family, having my father baptize me, such happiness- such joy. You could feel the tangible presense of God, the place was overflowing with it. Some laughed some cried. But all felt God. I witnessed a peice of heaven today,I knew that God and his angels were rejoicing with us. For his lost children have come home at last.

I am my beloved's and HE is mine





Right before baptizing me he told everyone about how i used to go outside and sit on my fort as a little girl and sing to jesus at the top of my lungs-- now I am SINGING ONCE MORE!

For the Lord your GOD is Living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. HE will rejoice over you with joyful songs!

-Zephaniah 3:17

Return to me, and I will return to you- Zechariah 1:3

God in my sorrows... God in my joy....

As some of you know someone in my family died on Tuesday. I found out Wednesday morning. I don't want to publically state the details but it was a very tragic death. And this is hard for my entire family. I didn't know this person very well but my mother grew up with this person and they were very close. Normally I would not be so upset. Because as I explained in the post before this one, I never allowed people to be too close to me: i didn't want to ever be hurt. Even when my grandfather died on my birthday a few years a go I did not shed a single tear. NOt because I wasn't sad, I just couldn't. I was very emotionally guarded and empty inside. Now because GOd is changing my life my heart hurts because his heart hurts. I am so close to God that when his heart breaks my heart breaks also. It says in psalms 116:15 that

"the Lord cares deeply when his loved one's die."

And so my heart was grieving in a way that was not possibe before. MY heart goes out to this person's immidiate family and everyone in my entire family who has felt the pain of this death. But even in these hard times I know the Lord is still good, and that he loves us. This is hard to say or understand but I believe it and I know it to be true. I am blessed and even more in love to know that when this hard time came GOd was still with me, he didn't leave me but comforted me and held me in my sorrow. And even in this time there is still joy. Today one of my closest friends accepted Jesus into her heart! I am so happy for that.

IN luke 15:7 it says "IN the same way, there is more joy in heaven over one lost sinner who repents and returns to God than over ninety-nine others who are righteous and haven't strayed away!"

It also says in verses 8-10 that "suppose a woman has ten silver coins and loses one. Won't she light a lamp and sweep the entire house and search carefully until she finds it? And when she finds it, she will call in her friends and neighbors and say, 'Rejoice with me because I have found my lost coin.' In the same way, there is joy in the presence of God's angels when even one sinner repents."

how cool. all of heaven stops and rejoices when one person comes to know Jesus! He cares that much about everyone of us individually- can you believe that? There are some 6 billion people on earth at this moment and God cares for each one and even knows the number of hairs on your head?!?

WOW... so i love that the Lord is with me in sorrow and in joy. He is with me in every season of my life. And he can be with you as well :)